CHAPTER THE FIFTH. morpheus gets a tick. in addition to the one he already has!

[the fellowships is journeying on through the heat of the day. Small Child is whining for some juice, with Elfy trying to placate him although they forgot to pack the juice boxes. Narco has again somehow managed to attach the wagon to Pat's back, and since Pat does not have opposable thumbs he is powerless to remove it. Suddenly Morpheus, leading the way, stumbles and falls to the ground.]

HORTENSIA. morpheus!
JOVIAL BOB. what ails thee, Morpheus?
MORPHEUS. [breathing heavily] I think it be......a tick.
ALL. [gasp]
PAT. [chuckles]
DAVY. this is terrible news! why are you laughing?
ELFY. [examines morpheus' leg, where he indeed does find a tick, rather large and happy] Morpheus, this is what you get for not wearing high socks when you hike.
MORPHEUS. [wearily] the way is long....and wearisome... the sun shall shine through brass true did not i print my term paper upon a slab o'ham!
ROCKO. Jovial Bob, this is serious.
JOVIAL BOB. Elfy, use your telepathy to command the tick to leave Morpheus!
ELFY. [squeezes his eyes shut, communicating with the tick] it is no use. the force is strong with this one. i will have to resort to the ancient fire tricks.
DAVY. ancient fire tricks? is that some mystical elvish art?
ELFY. not really, you just burn it off with the head of a match.
DAVY. [disappointed, yet relieved] oh
MORPHEUS. [in delerium] ...shoe is on the wrong foot! lockbox! beware the jub jub bird!
HORTENSIA. hurry, Elfy! Morpheus is growing worse!
ELFY. hold on! [lights a match, and burns the tick off. it falls to the ground with a sizzle] Morpheus should rest for a while. he will need to regain his strength. there is no telling when he will be ready to journ again.

[the fellowship sets up camp for the night. Small Child presently falls asleep in his wagon, engaged in a snoring battle with Narco. Pat has wandered off to graze. Elfy, Rocko, Jovial Bob, and Davy call a tribal council meeting while Hortensia boils water for tea and crumpets]

ROCKO. we cannot go on like this. Morpheus is becoming even more cryptic than he was before. We need a ready leader!
ELFY. I agree with Rocko. a tick can mean the end for some.
JOVIAL BOB. i hesitate to add to this tribal council. for i am torn between my loyalty to morpheus and that little voice in my head saying, "jovial bob! only YOU can lead this fellowship!"
HORTENSIA. [passing around crumpets] i also hesitate to agree. morpheus was like a father to me when....well...[sniffs]
DAVY. but won't he be mad if we just ditch him here?
[Morpheus, having recovered in stunning time - he is a mystic after all - walks slowly up to the tribal council, unnoticed.]
JOVIAL BOB. alright, all in favor of voting Morpheus out of the fellowship say aye.
ALL. aye.

[Davy looks up to see a solemn and tense morpheus]

DAVY. morpheus! so glad you could make it. we've got an update for you.
ROCKO. you've been voted off the island.
MORPHEUS. [with peril, power, and terror] DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF CHEAP THRILLS!
JOVIAL BOB. [whispers] tricks. it's tricks.
MORPHEUS. DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS!
DAVY. [whimpering] never mind! you can stay!
ELFY. how could we have betrayed you, morpheus!
HORTENSIA. oh, morpheus, pleas forgive me!
MORPHEUS. more seldom than not, the media gives us exquisite sex and wholesale violence. every true child did. i will.
JOVIAL BOB. morpheus, you are the true leader of this fellowship.
MORPHEUS. voted off the island...ha! I am the king of the world!
ELFY. well, at least until joel is found again.
MORPHEUS. true dat.
HORTENSIA. crumpet, morpheus?
MORPHEUS. left! right! left! right! uhh son! uhh son!

CHAPTER THE FOURTH. hortensia breaks a nail; in which a secret mission is attempted to fix it.

[The fellowship has taken a rest in a clearing in the woods. Narco is already sleeping stage left, Davy has taken his sleeping bad for himself, as Narco fell asleep before opening it and appears not to notice. Small Child is working diligently in a Ruling The World workbook while Morpheus, Jovial Bob and Elfy discuss the road ahead. Zoom in on Hortensia, who has broken a nail.]

HORTENSIA. blast! [eyes pat suspiciously. Approaches it] pat, that's a lovely coat you're wearing. Is it wool?
PAT. why, yes, it--hey, I don't know what your problem is, but leave me alone.
HORTENSIA. I only wanted to get a closer look at-- [reaches for the cloven hoof with a nail file to chip off a piece]
PAT. get away from me!!!
HORTENSIA. rrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!! ssssssssssssssssssss! [retractable claws spring out]
PAT. what the heck!
DAVY. holy retractable claws, Rocko!
PAT. get her off of me! help!
MORPHEUS. down beast!
JOVIAL BOB. [muttering under breath] which one?
HORTENSIA. oh, morpheus!! oh, what have i done??
ROCKO. I watched this quarrel begin, morpheus. the lady only wished to repair her nail with some of Pat's cloven hoof.
PAT. and non of you see a problem with that?
ROCKO. you have four cloven hooves! you can share some!
MORPHEUS. Hortensia, is there something you are hiding from the fellowship?
HORTENSIA. I have not been honest with you. I have retractable claws.
ROCKO. it is a gift! why did you not inform us of this before?
HORTENSIA. i didn't want you to think i was a freak!
JOVIAL BOB. [muttering again] in this crowd?
HORTENSIA. but how can it possibly help the fellowship?
ELFY. I need someone to slice my loaves of bread! i can never make a clean cut. your retractable claws will be perfect!
MORPHEUS. you see? everyone makes a contribution.
ROCKO. with the exception of the hermaphrodite farm animal over here.
PAT. I'll show YOU contribution!
DAVY. pat, i think you should leave rocko alone.
PAT. oh really nerple boy?
DAVY. [eyes water]

CHAPTER THE THIRD. starting out; in which Rocko argues with a small child.

[Day the first, of the journey to seek Joel. The fellowship walks in a line, determined and adventurous. Jovial Bob leads the way atop his stallion, Hoof Arted, the fastest horse from the land of Bongo-Bongo. Elfy is next, astride his white horse Ice Melted. Then follows Morpheus and Davy, who are murmuring spiritedly between themselves. Hortensia follows next, and then Pat, who pulls a red wagon containing Small Child and a portable TV. Narco walks sleepily after, and Rocko defends the rear with Hugh Djbudt.]

NARCO. hey, turn it up will you? i like this part.
SMALL CHILD. turn it up yourself, you lazy bum! it's not like you're going to miss anything anyway. and besides, this is MY wagon. i never even really said you could put your stupid tv on it. and this is the dumbest movie ever!
NARCO. [has started to nod off, still walking]
ROCKO. [grumbling quietly] and you're going to be The Mighty Joel's apprentice? gimme a break...
SMALL CHILD. WHAT did you say!
ROCKO. nothing you would understand, kid.
SMALL CHILD. I resent that! just because i am a small child does NOT mean i am not fit to rule Bottom Earth OR that i don't have an IQ of sixthousand, OR that i could kick your butt! [Hugh Djbudt brays wildly]
ROCKO. you are wise to shut up while you are ahead.
SMALL CHILD. yes, i AM wise! so you shut up!
ROCKO. [reaches for the hilt of his sword] Joel help me i'll slice you in two!
SMALL CHILD. Morpheus! Rocko is threatening me!
MORPHEUS. Rocko, leave the small child alone. He is defenseless against your strength.
SMALL CHILD. [triumphantly] but he's got NOTHIN on this brain!
HORTENSIA. [offers a pacifier to small child] Here you go, let this calm you
SMALL CHILD. I know somethin' else that would settle me down...[puckers lips]
HORTENSIA. whatEVER! leave me alone you little midget pervert!
ROCKO. and now you do scandalize the lady!
SMALL CHILD. ooohhh great vocabulary. hope you don't choke on those words!
ROCKO. Morpheus! can you do nothing to make the child stop!
PAT. i've got a solution to this problem.
ROCKO. stay out of this, you're nothing but a non-gender-specific sheep!
PAT. ooohhh so now you wanna start something?
DAVY. could we all just stop fighting?
HORTENSIA. you guys are so annoying. I'm going on ahead. [picks up the pace]
PAT. ill just run in circles around the kid til he falls asleep. hey, kid! how many times can i lap you before you fall over?
JOVIAL BOB. pat, we thank you for your generosity. you truly are the hero of this chapter.

CHAPTER THE SECOND. council meeting.

[All characters sitting in a circle on the couches in Morpheus' mobile home, pretending to drink his tea.]

MORPHEUS. friends, how keen of you to join me. Let me cut to thechase. I have called you here to discuss a matter of grave importance.
PAT. uhhh, i wasn't called here... more like i just walked by and you fools grabbed me and made me sit down
MORPHEUS. shh! Frosty the Snowman cancelled at the last minute and you make nine. Besides, we need a mascot. Just go with it.
JOVIAL BOB. Morpheus! The time for words has passes. Joel The One Eyed Cat is missing. It is time we take action! Now, who is with me?
MORPHEUS. not so fast. there are dangers ahead.
ROCKO. I will face any peril! [springs to his feet]
PAT. calm down, rambo.
ELFY. his name is Rocko, and you are wise to respect him.
SMALL CHILD. no, I am wise!
NARCO. what do you know, anyway? you're just a non-gender-specific sheep!
HORTENSIA. gentlemen, please, sit down. Please! [they ignore her] Alright, fine. [unleashes pms power] Listen up, snotballs! Everyone shut up and listen to Morpheus. Tru dat!
MORPHEUS. thank you, my child.
PAT. [mumbling] freak
MORPHEUS. there are many perils ahead, but if you stay together and take a lot of tourist pictures along the way to send to me, then i know you will succeed.
DAVY. [to pat] Stay away from me with those cloven hooves!
PAT. you like nerples?
DAVY. [whimpers]
JOVIAL BOB. if by my life or death i can find Joel, so be it. he is bottom-earth's only hope. morpheus, you have my sword.
NARCO. and my red wagon!
SMALL CHILD. and my wisdom!
HORTENSIA. and my mood swings!
ELFY. and my bread-making pack!
ROCKO. [stands dramatically] putrid will protect us. [brandishes sword.]
ALL. awww, put that thing away, man!
PAT. you ever hear of febreeze?
DAVY. i think i read that date wrong, but i'll go too
MORPHEUS. pat? will you join us? we need nine.
PAT. hey, i read this book. i get a ring don't i? yeah sure i'll go.
MORPHEUS. then let us ride forth to seek Joel!

CHAPTER THE FIRST, PART THE SECOND.

**In the forests of Candyland, another warrior let his thoughts wander to wars of old. He remembered the time he had vanquished thirty small woodland animals with a single stroke of his sword in the War of The Small Woodland Animals. he recalled the Battle At Toadswart when his battalion had been barricaded in Low Pass by menacing village children. Yes, ELFY knew of the glories and tragedies of war.
He reached into his pack for a loaf of freshly baked bread. "Thanks, but I told you I don't like sourdough." he mumbled to the pack, just as his psychicness picked up a cry for help. "Morpheus!" He wailed. "Your thoughts are troubled! I must advise you at the Council! Come, my trusty bread-making pack. Away!"

**Davy reread the letter in his trembling hands.
"...Congratulations... been selected to join the Nerple Protection Program... meeting at Morpheus' secret council room...Thursday at noon..."
He took his arrow-through-the-head headband and made sure to lock the door behind him.

**As usual, JOVIAL BOB was the first to arrive at Morpheus' house. He sipped the homemade tea, but promptlyspit it back out into the glass. Morpheus never could make a decent cup of tea. Bob was anything but Jovial at a time like this, and he was growing impatient. Joel was missing, and a shadow was covering the land...

CHAPTER THE FIRST. prologues; wherein we meet our characters.

**PAT looked to the sky at the midday sun which warmed the spongy grass beneath its cloven hooves. From a distance Pat surveyed the rest of the flock before shim. It knew it would never truly be a part of the flock. But being non-gender-specific one's whole life had that effect. Plus the other sheep were sick of getting nerpled. They had lodged numerous complaints, and the councilsheep's suggestion box was having a hard time closing of late. There was no denying, the flock would be much more than grateful for Pat's absence. Pat sighed as best a sheep could and knew what it had to do. With a final glance, Pat made its way towards the mountains.

**"Two-thousand and ninety-eight, two-thousand and ninety-nine.... three thousand." HORTENSIA set down her gilded hairbrush. After a morning full of personal grooming she was feeling more than a little bored. "What does it matter," she sighed, "to have beauty famed throughout the land and riches beyond the imagination when all I want is a little adventure?" She ordered her maidservants out of the room and walked to the window. She had dreamed long enough; it was time to take action. Hortensia sprung from the windowsill and flailed about as she plummeted to the ground. Just before crashing on the dirt below her she righted herself, absorbing her fall with one fluid motion, and stole away with the swiftness of a cat into the forest.

**Once again the Great Hall Of Promise was in an uproar. Toy trains and legos smashed against the walls as nursemaids ran for cover. A SMALL CHILD sat strapped into his highchair, waving his sippy cup like a true tyrant. "Get me out of this blasted char!" He cried out. "I am educated! Well-read! I write theorems!" He stopped abruptly as a messenger entered the Great Hall.
"Your Smartness," he stammered. "Morpheus has summoned you to a Council. It seems a great tragedy is spreading over Bottom-Earth."
"So be it. Bring me my wagon."

**"Khaki wishes and cookie dreams!"
NARCO must have watched Troop Beverly Hills nearly thirty times this week alone. But it never lost its suspense, as he had never actually seen the outcome.
He always seemes to--
Yes, there he goes again.

**ROCKO made his way through the village high atop his noble stead, Hugh Djbudt. No warrior had ever been prouder of his beast, and none had more reason to, for Rocko had won Hugh in a duel against an evil emperor. The donkey was a royal purebred from Africa and had a glorious afro on her thick neck and atop her ghetto-booty which bounced rapturously as she trotted.
Rocko put his hand to the hilt of his sword, Putrid, which had been passed down his fmily's line nd fought in all the wars of old. For years the weapon had lain in wait, until Morpheus had called Rocko The Warrior forth to protect Bottom Earth once again. He had announced his intentions to his father, asking with pride for the right to wield Putrid. His father consented indifferently, seemingly regardless of the honor and importance of the event. So maybe Putrid was in a bit of disrepair. All it needed was a good soak in some bleach to remove the mold stains.
And so Rocko took Putrid and mounted his stead, and rode to the council.