CHAPTER THE FOURTEENTH. The recovery of the fellowship; in which we find that Jovial Bob IS The One, and some internal struggles are overcome.

PAT. I just can’t believe it. Rocko’s really gone.
JOVIAL BOB. I thought you didn’t care.
PAT. Well I- I- … [buries wooly head in cloven hooves]
HORTENSIA. Um, since no one seems to mind, I’m claiming dibs on Rocko’s steed.
PAT. Hugh Djbudt? No way! Rocko died saving ME, lady! I get the donkey!
HORTENSIA. Morpheus! I called dibs first!
MORPHEUS. I have an idea. You shall battle for the beast.
HORTENSIA. [springs out the retractables] bring it on, son!
MORPHEUS. No, no. You shall have a duel… Rock, paper, scissors!
HORTENSIA. My specialty!
PAT. [waving the cloven hooves] This is SO not fair!
ELFY. Go Horty!
MORPHEUS. Ready? One, two, three!

[Hortensia plays paper, and Pat puts out the cloven hoof]

HORTENSIA. Ha! Paper beats rock!
PAT. That’s not rock, that’s scissors! [tries to make a scissor-motion with the cloven hoof]
HORTENSIA. Morpheus, Pat is trying to change his weapon!
MORPHEUS. Let me see that hoof. [examines the hoof] That is most definitely Rock.
HORTENSIA. I win!
PAT. Best out of three!
HORTENSIA. Fine! One, two three!

[Hortensia plays paper again, and Pat plays rock]

HORTENSIA. I win again!
PAT. ONE more time!
HORTENSIA. One, two, three! [plays paper]
PAT. [plays rock] No!
MORPHEUS. The lady wins the donkey. Hey, Pat! Down!

[all look over to pat, who is struggling to mount Hugh Djbudt. The cloven hooves flail wildly, and Pat slides off awkwardly]

PAT. Darn.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. That was a heated battle. I think I need a break.
DAVY. But you didn’t DO anything.
SMALL CHILD. Did anyone pick up any juice boxes at that corner store we passed yesterday?
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Of course, son. Here. [pulls out a juice box from the cooler, and even sticks in the straw]
SMALL CHILD. Thanks dad! [smiles like a good son]
JOVIAL BOB. What is going on?
ELFY. Small Child and Senior Franklin decided to become family. See? The adoption papers are right here!
JOVIAL BOB. I see.

[suddenly Jovial Bob rises a few feet into the air, his arms and legs poised in a kung-fu stance. He flips a few times to descend back to the ground, and does an excellent rendition of “Chicago” to the delight of the fellowship]

HORTENSIA. That was amazing!
ELFY. Hey, I bet I could do that too.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Truly astounding.
PAT. Humph. Must have been the off-off-Broadway version.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Jovial Bob, you are The One!
MORPHEUS. Indeed you are, Jovial Bob. You are The One indeed!
JOVIAL BOB. But, I can’t be!
MORPHEUS. Free your mind, Bob!
JOVIAL BOB. [frees his mind] yes! I can feel it! I am The One!
SMALL CHILD. Cool!
DAVY. What does it all mean?
PAT. Nothing. Oh, but we all get free movie rentals and a coupon book when we get back.
DAVY. Yessss!
SQUIRREL. [squeaks, and raises a fist in a gesture of gnome power]
JOVIAL BOB. I feel so… so… jovial! Let’s go, fellowship! Follow me! I am suddenly enthused with cheer! I am full of beans!
PAT. Full of what?
JOVIAL BOB. Beans. Don’t ask me, it was in the thesaurus as a synonym for jovial.
MORPHEUS. Let’s go! Let’s all go!
[they go, they all go.]

[elfy and hortenisa are sitting near each other on a fallen log while the rest of the fellowship is celebrating Jovial Bob’s Oneness by means of a barbecue party]

ELFY. Horty, you are my life. You make me happier than a squirrel at the sight of a glorious nut.
HORTENSIA. Elfy, you are the hottest guy I have ever seen. And you even have pointy ears!
ELFY. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Horty. Think of it, us together in front of a warm fire, you preparing a feast-
HORTENSIA. Correction. The servants preparing a feast!
ELFY. Oh yes of course. And I relaxing in the recliner, with twenty young squirrels doing a jigsaw puzzle on the floor…
HORTENSIA. Squirrels?
ELFY. Don’t you want any pets?
HORTENSIA. Can we have kids, too?
ELFY. As long as they’re not too messy. Squirrels are a handful themselves without a bunch of menacing children wreaking havok in the house.
HORTENSIA. You have a point.
ELFY. Oh, my darling cat-woman! You are a nut! Marry me!
HORTENSIA. Elfy! I will! Like a squirrel in an eternal autumn shall our love be! May our life be fruitful and full of nuts!

[Suddenly Davy runs through the underbrush in a panic]

DAVY. Nooooooooooo!
ELFY and HORTENSIA. What?
DAVY. He’s gone! Gone! Gone!
HORTENSIA. Hey, that’s an N’sync song!
ELFY. Who’s gone?
DAVY. The young squirrel! He’s ran away!
HORTENSIA. Well think now, Davy, where was the last time you saw him? Maybe you just put him somewhere and forgot about it.
DAVY. He was in my pack…

[Also from the underbrush saunters a smooth-talking boll weevil]

HORTENSIA. Who are you?
ANDREW. I’m Andrew, the smooth-talking boll weevil. Be cool.
DAVY. Mr. Smooth Talking Boll Weevil-
ANDREW. Call me Andrew, brotha.
DAVY. Andrew, I lost a squirrel just a while ago, have you seen him?
ANDREW. Why, yes, son, I saw that jive turkey. He ran off with a pack of those karazy gypsies and conquistadores. And he was lookin’ mighty fly.
DAVY. They captured him!
ANDREW. Chill out, my friend. The squirrel left willingly. He’s part of THEIR posse now, brotha. Betta recognize.
DAVY. Nooooooooooo! [writhes in anguish]
ANDREW. Let it go, man. Let it go.
DAVY. And he took the headband, too!

CHAPTER THE THIRTEENTH. A second battle; in which the fellowship battles a second time, and tragedy strikes for reals.

MORPHEUS. Hey, you guuuyyysss! Everybody duck, I think trouble awaits us!
JOVIAL BOB. [draws sword] where? I want to see!
ROCKO. [brandishes putrid to the dismay of the fellowship] I love trouble!
ELFY. Does anyone want another sandwich before we battle a second time?
DAVY. Oh, me! [takes the sandwich form elfy with delight]
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Davy, you’d better not forget your armor!
DAVY. [mouth full of sandwich] oh, yeah. Just a second…[pulls out the arrow-through-the-head headband and puts it on, then equips the young squirrel with the miniature version] Ready for war!
HORTENSIA. I think trouble is getting closer!

[the fellowship strains their ears to the distant sound of flutes and tambourines. The sounds grow closer, until through the trees they are able to distinguish that trouble is a roving band of gypsies and sundry conquistadores. Just then the conquistadores spot the awaiting fellowship and spring into action, which in turn drives the gypsies to violence, by means of various musical instruments, pots and pans, and small stuffed animals. A charging battle ensues]

MORPHEUS. Back ye evil gypsies!
GYPSY ONE. Make me!
GYPSY TWO. Hey look, Marv! A nice fat hermaphrodite sheep! Weren’t you craving lambchops last night?
MARV THE GYPSY. Apprehend the farm animal!
PAT. Ahhhh! [flails cloven hooves around wildly, and breaks into an awkward run]
ROCKO. Pat! I’ll save you!
PAT. Yes, save me, save me!
JOVIAL BOB. [pauses, bewildered] was that really his line? Seriously, I never thought I’d hear those words from that mouth…
A CONQUISTADOR. Grr!
JOVIAL BOB. Oh brush your teeth! [swipes at him with the sword, cutting off his arm] And don’t even try to pull that “flesh wound” line with me!
A CONQUISTADOR. Oh, alright. [falls to the ground]
GYPSY THREE. Lalli lalli lalli! Wengo bengo shalalala!
HORTENSIA. Watch your mouth in the presence of a lady! [does some damage with the retractable claws]
SMALL CHILD. [hiding under the wagon, making spit wads] incoming! [loads his straw and lets fly a barrage of stinging little white pellets. Gypsies drop like flies]
ANOTHER GYPSY. Man down! Another man down! Marv down! Gypsy one and two down! [a stray spit wad lands on his cheek] I’m down! [falls to the ground]
PAT. Help! I’m still being chased here!
ROCKO. [fighting off hungry gypsies left and right] Fear not, pat! I shall vanquish these vile gypsies!
GYPSY FOUR. He called us vile! Attack!

[the gypsies now throw stuffed animals on rocko, against which he is defenseless. Each time a fluffy bunny or brown bear hits his war-ravaged body he keels over and takes in ragged gasps of air]

PAT. [looking on] it’s just stuffed animals! Can’t you defend yourself, mister big warrior man guy?
ROCKO. I am allergic to the cotton stuffing! I am defenseless!
PAT. Nnnnooooooooooo!
ROCKO. Nnnnnooooooooooo! I shall save you pat! [continues to slash at those vile gypsies. One by one they fall, but Rocko has lost all his strength]
PAT. Do we have to have a touching moment now?
JOVIAL BOB. [joining the scene] not unless he’s REALLY going to die this time.
PAT. [chuckles like a frugal old man] it's the warrior who cried death!
ROCKO. Hey, that wasn’t my fault! You’ll have to take that up with the author!
JOVIAL BOB. [throwing a skeptical look at the author] is this one for reals?
THE AUTHOR. Yes, yes, now move along with the scene! For Joel’s sake you guys make this so difficult!
ROCKO. This is the end!
PAT. Well, for you at least.
JOVIAL BOB. [kneels by rocko] my warrior-friend, the times have been chill. And could you do me a favor?
ROCKO. Since you were willing to feed my cat the first time I died, I will do anything for you.
JOVIAL BOB. Great. Listen, I’m sure He already knows, but if you see God around, don’t mention that one time when… you know…
ROCKO. Oh yeah, when you stole that bubble gum. I’m sure He’s over it, but I’ll keep it on the d-l anyway.
[Hortensia and Elfy enter the scene]
HORTENSIA. Rocko is dead!
ROCKO. Dying.
HORTENSIA. Rocko is dying!
ELFY. And he managed to kill off all the vile gypsies single handedly! That was very cool, man.
[the rest of the fellowship crowds the stage, all gathered around Rocko for his final moments]
ROCKO. My friends, you are all so dear to me. And now I shall pass on… [Rocko passes on]
HORTENSIA. A tragedy!
MORPHEUS. I shall give a moving eulogy. Rocko was one swinging cat. He will be missed. I hope none of us will forget the good times we had with dear Rocko. Especially you, pat.
PAT. [hides a sniffle] I feel important! Loved!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. ¿Que vamos a hacer? What are we going to do, people?
DAVY. Let’s make a bouquet!
JOVIAL BOB. We must dispose of the body. And for the love of Joel, would SOMEBODY PLEASE throw that gross old thing away? [kicks at Putrid with his toe] It’s best if we all pretend this never happened and walk quickly away!
ELFY. Fine by me! Let’s go! [starts to sneak away]
SMALL CHILD. Fetch me my wagon!
JOVIAL BOB. Fetch it yourself.
[the fellowship starts to move out]
SENIOR FRANKLIN. That really was quite a moving eulogy, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS. Thanks. Eulogizing is an avid hobby of mine.

CHAPTER THE TWELVETH. (does anyone know how to spell that?) return to the quest; in which we try to return to the actual plot.

[nearly a week after chapter the eleventh, -hey! The author has a real life too!- the fellowship is journing along when again the subject of the fellowship’s purpose arises]

PAT. Are you sure about this Joel character?
MORPHEUS. Yes. Joel the one eyed cat is the true ruler of bottom earth. If we don’t find him and cast him into the fires of Mount doom – wait, wrong story. If we don’t find him, well, everything will be in an uproar! Joel was the best social coordinator this land has ever seen!
PAT. I’m still skeptical.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Pat, you must have faith in the quest.
PAT. But I already got my ring! I felt the love! I’m done!
DAVY. It’s all a part of the group bonding thing, pat.
PAT. [whirls around, threatening davy with a cloven hoof]
ELFY. Dearest, must you brandish your retractable claws all the time?
HORTENSIA. I’m sorry, my love. I can’t help it. Maybe it means we are getting closer to Joel!
MORPHEUS. A sign, that’s it!
SMALL CHILD. Oh no. Did you get us lost again?
ROCKO. Yes, a sign! A message from Joel!
PAT. The retractable claws?
HORTENSIA. Sure, why not? I can contribute to this fellowship just as much as anyone else!
JOVIAL BOB. You know, that isn’t saying much.
ELFY. Hey, I am helping a lot! Without me, none of you would have fresh bread in the morning!
JOVIAL BOB. Actually, without your magic bread-making-pack we wouldn’t have fresh bread in the morning…
ELFY. Well, who else would read your minds when you are trying to have a private moment of introspection?
ROCKO. He has a point.
ELFY. And Small Child, you are the best map-roller I have ever met!
SMALL CHILD. It’s only a matter of geometry, really.
ELFY. Everyone is special!
MORPHEUS. Elfy is right.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Yo siento el amor.
PAT. Are you sure this isn’t just about my ring? [in the background an ominous voice growls as pat puts on the ring and waves it about]
OMINOUS VOICE. Ash nazg durbatuluk. Ash nazg gimbatul. Ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum ishi krimpatul!
JOVIAL BOB. [irratibly] wrong story!
DAVY. [quietly] has anyone else noticed that the name “jovial bob” doesn’t seem to fit his personality?
PAT. See? I must be in the right story! You heard the ominous voice!
ROCKO. Verily I did. But I think jovial bob is right. This is supposed to be about a missing cat.
PAT. Then why didn’t you just put up signs around the neighborhood like a normal citizen! Real people don’t start fellowships and journ off into the wilderness to find a cat!
HORNTENSIA. How dare you speak of my father like that! He is not just a cat! He is Joel, the one eyed cat, rightful ruler of bottom-earth and the wisest creature ever to walk on all fours!
ALL. [gasp]
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Joel-
DAVY. –the one eyed-
ROCKO. –cat-
SMALL CHILD. –is your-
JOVIAL BOB. –father?
ELFY. Why didn’t you tell me!
PAT. [chuckles]
MORPHEUS. I fell very left out.
HORTENSIA. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would be more dramatic to reveal later on in the story.
DAVY. Well, you couldn’t have picked a better chapter. This one really has no plot advancement.
MORPHEUS. Hortensia, this somehow puts the fellowship at risk; your status as a female half-feline impairs our ability to journey onward! I have social status to uphold! I can’t allow a militant cat-woman to overtake the fellowship, it’s just not PC!
HORTENSIA. I never said I wanted to take over the fellowship! You are so sexist! I have always been a cat-woman, and just because you know it now doesn’t change anything.
JOVIAL BOB. But what about theatrical conflict? Can’t we use this to boost our ratings? A little controversy?
PAT. Controversy? Is there a controversy here?
SMALL CHILD. I can’t believe I ever loved you!
ELFY. You didn’t. I did. And I still do, my little honey bunches of catnip!
HORTENSIA. Oh elfy!
ROCKO. Let’s keep going. Why can’t we ever perform a scene on the move? Honestly, we’ll never find Joel at this rate.
MORPHEUS. Onward we go!
HORTENSIA. Rrrraaarrr!

CHAPTER THE ELEVENTH. A friendly gift; in which a bond is created and pat feels the love.

[the fellowship wakes to the morning sun, and finds jovial bob missing. Surprisingly enough – or unsurprisingly, depending on how you see it – Small Child tries to take over the fellowship, his Ruling The World workbook in hand]

SMALL CHILD. Attention, fellowship! In case you haven’t noticed, Jovial Bob is MIA. According to the script, I’m in charge!
ALL. [groan]
SMALL CHILD. Be nice or I’ll put you all in time out!
ELFY. [bored, with reluctance] oh, small child. Our fearless leader. Whatever shall we do.
SMALL CHILD. Come on, Elfy! More emotion!
ELFY. [with feigned devotion] Oh, Small Child! Our fearless leader! Whatever shall we do!
SMALL CHILD. That’s better. We need to organize a search party.
DAVY. A party!
SMALL CHILD. Let’s split up.
HORTENSIA. Elfy and I will be a team! [giggles]
MORPHEUS. No, small child, you are going about it in the wrong way. In this chapter we form a tight bond as a fellowship. We should all go together.
SMALL CHILD. Fine.

[the fellowship, now united in a tight group, sets out to search for Jovial Bob. After hours of exhausting search, they rest]

PAT. This is dumb. I’m so over it.
SMALL CHILD. You can’t leave! What about the bond!
PAT. What about self-exile? I’m outta here. [Pat exits]
DAVY. That wasn’t nice. Can we have an emotional breakdown now?
MORPHEUS. No.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Has anyone seen Hortensia and Elfy?
SQUIRREL. [chitters in davy’s ear]
DAVY. He says they ran off to frolic in some meadow.
ROCKO. How cute!

[a rustling in the bushes draws the fellowship’s attention. Out of the thicket walks Jovial Bob, looking very much jovial and pleased with himself]

MORPEHUS. Where have you been?
ROCKO. We’ve been looking all over for you.
JOVIAL BOB. I left early this morning to have some “me time.” But then I got to thinking about pat, and how I think it’s been unhappy here. So I wanted to do something nice for it.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. You just missed it! It exiled itself from the fellowship.
JOVIAL BOB. I’ll have to find him! [jovial bob dashes away, and returns presently leading pat by a leash. It appears that pat has not wandered too far when a smallish butterfly caught its attention, and it stopped in its tracks]
SMALL CHILD. [under his breath] I guess this means my tyranny was short-lived after all.
JOVIAL BOB. Pat, I made you something.
PAT. Oh yeah?
JOVIAL BOB. Yeah. Here, it’s a ring. I thought you might like one.
PAT. [looks at it, gets teary-eyed] and it fits my cloven hoof just perfect!
JOVIAL BOB. So you like it?
PAT. I—I—I feel the love! [Pat feels the love]
MORPHEUS. Look everyone! Pat feels the love! He finally feels he belongs! He is truly a part of this fellowship!
PAT. [sniffles] I want to go home.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. But we haven’t found Joel yet.
PAT. Who’s Joel?

CHAPTER THE TENTH. Reunited; and it feels so good, in which the newest member of the fellowship demonstrates his valour, and Elfy gets to prove himself as a valiant hero.

[the fellowship sets off, following the squirrel tracks, with elfy leading the way. His keen eyes soon spy the squirrel fortress where hortensia is being held captive]

ELFY. She’s being held captive in the squirrel fortress.
PAT. Duh. The stage directions JUST said that.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. But how will we infiltrate the fortress?
SMALL CHILD. We could build a large wooden squirrel…
PAT. I saw that movie. It doesn’t work.
SMALL CHILD. Never mind then
ALL. [turn slowly to davy, who is fitting his new pet squirrel with a miniature arrow-through-the-head headband] …so remember if you’re ever in a fierce battle just put this on and fall to the--- hey guys… what?
JOVIAL BOB. It is an ingenious plan!
DAVY. This I know from experience…
JOVIAL BOB. We shall use Davy’s squirrel as a decoy. When the other squirrels are indisposed Elfy can sneak up and recapture the damsel.
ALL. Verily we shall!

[the above plan ensues. Davy’s new pet squirrel scampers up to the sentry and begins waving its tiny fists around in the violent gestures of an anarchist woodland animal. The sentry squirrels see his apparent head wound and are concerned. When the guards are all distracted, elfy steals up to the jail cell and opens the door, where his love is buried to her neck in acorns]

HORTENSIA. Elfy! I knew you’d come for me!
ELFY. I shall rescue you! Give me your hand!
HORTENSIA. [gives elfy her hand, and stands up out of the pile, acorns rolling across the floor] let us flee! [they flee, and rejoin the group]
ELFY. See? I have saved the maiden. Let’s go!
DAVY. Wait! We can’t leave my pet!
ELFY. Oh all right. [telepathically commands the pet squirrel to rejoin the group. The squirrel squeaks and bounds back to the group, leaping onto Davy’s shoulder]
DAVY. Hooray!
MORPHEUS. Let’s go, quickly! The last thing we want is to start another riot.
PAT. I’m not moving if I have to pull that dumb wagon anymore.
MORPHEUS. Fine. Senior Franklin, will you pull Small Child’s wagon?
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Verily I shall.

[hortensia and elfy steal away to th forest for a touching moment; davy and the squirrel hide nearby with a box of tissues]

HORETNSIA. I just knew you’d save me.
ELFY. Me too!
HORTENSIA. So this is love!
ELFY. No, that’s a ham sandwich. THIS is love. [pulls her into a warm embrace]
DAVY. [far right of scene, offers squirrel a tissue]
SQUIRREL. [squeaks emotionally]
DAVY. It’s better than You’ve Got Mail!

aren't y'all lucky.... TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY! this is in response to all the positive feedback i've been getting. see where compliments get you?? ego boost for me, more fun and games for you! enjoi... -Mermaid

CHAPTER THE NINTH. A rescue plan; in which an intruder is discovered, and elfy uses his psychic powers to unite the fellowship in a risky plan.

[the fellowship is pretty much done regrouping from the first battle, and is ready to set forth]

ELFY. Wait, what about the fair lady Hortensia?
JOVIAL BOB. What about her?
ELFY. We can’t just leave her to the evil of the squirrels. Besides, I am her knight in shining armor, so to speak. It’s kinda stereotypical, I know, but I have to rescue her.
PAT. No, you don’t. we can all just walk away…
ELFY. But my idiom!
PAT. You stole that from Monty Python!
ELFY. [silent, glares at pat]
SENIOR FRANKLIN. We ARE kinda running out of tiempo
ELFY. I can’t believe this….. [squeezes eyes shut and flips his psychic switch. Beginning with a whisper, then gradually intensifying his words, he intones, waving his hand in the air] you want to rescue hortensia… hortensia is the fairest and hottest maiden this side of Bottom-Earth! YOU WANT TO RESCUE HORTENSIA! LET US RIDE FORTH, FELLOWSHIP, IN SEARCH OF THE FAIR HORTENSIA!
ALL. [with glazed eyes] Yea, let us ride forth in search of the fair hortensia!
PAT. I don’t think this was part of the book, but I’m down.
ELFY. [reaching in his magic bread-making pack] what’s this?
DAVY. A stowaway!
MORPHEUS. A spy?
DAVY. Can I keep him? He’s just a little old thing…
MORPEHUS. Fine. Just keep him quiet.
DAVY. [picks up the small squirrel and nestles it under his chin] a pet!
PAT. Maybe you should take that thing to the vet or something first…
JOVIAL BOB. [eyeing pat skeptically] maybe we should take YOU to the vet too…
PAT. [waves the cloven hooves threateningly]
JOVIAL BOB. You don’t scare me, pal.
ELFY. Come on, fellowship. We must find fair Hortensia!
ALL. Verily we shall!

[the fellowship travels for some time, unable to encounter the trail to the squirrel fortress. Then, in the clearing, morpheus spots an old sagical Chinese man]

MORPHEUS. Brother from the eastern land! Impart to us some wisdom!
SMALL CHILD. Hey, that’s my job!
OLD SAGICAL CHINESE MAN. You search for squirrel. You no find path.
JOVIAL BOB. All this is true, old sagical Chinese man.
OLD SAGICAL CHINESE MAN. [strokes rattail beard in deep thought] any you want be student? I make you next karate kid!
ELFY. We don’t have time, old sagical Chinese man. We are in search of a fair damsel. The squirrels took her captive.
OLD SAGICAL CHINESE MAN. Woman pass south trail with squirrel. You follow nose, you find.
SMALL CHILD. [stares hypnotically at the rattail, reaching up to pull at an invisible one on his own chin. He mumbles to himself] if only….. I would certainly be the ruler of bottom-earth!

[suddenly rocko wanders up from the path]

ALL. ROCKO?!
ELFY. It is an appartition!
MORPHEUS. A cheap trick of the Chinese guy!
ROCKO. I swear to you, it is I, in the flesh, and very much feeling groovy.
JOVIAL BOB. But I thought you died!
ROCKO. So did I. But apparently the writer made some kind of mistake, I’m not supposed to get killed off until Chapter Thirteen!
DAVY. Cool! Meet my new pet squirrel.
ROCKO. So what’s new?
MORPHEUS. We lost Hortensia and are trying to talk to this cryptic old Chinese dude.
ROCKO. Sweet.
OLD SAGICAL CHINESE MAN. Feng shui! Eat sushi! I know kung fu! Follow tracks, you will find the one you seek.
ELFY. Hey, look! Squirrel tracks! Lets go.
SMALL CHILD. [still tugging at imaginary rattail] I am perplexed…

CHAPTER INTERLUDE.

NARCO. [awakening alone and without his sleeping bag] morning…. Hello? Anybody? [notices that the portable tv is missing] Nnnnnnooooooooooooooooo! [takes head in hands, his cries echo in the heights of El Furioso] Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER THE EIGHTH, PART THE SECOND. The first battle; in which we see the outcome of said battle, and face much carnage.

[the flood of squirrels has abated. From across the battlefield come moans of pain and agony. Squirrel carcasses litter the ground, and the fellowship tries to regroup]

MORPHEUS. Is everybody here? Roll call mates! Morpheus! Here! Senior franklin!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Living.
MORPHEUS. Jovial Bob?
JOVIAL BOB. I am victorious, morpheus.
MORPHEUS. Hortensia?
ELFY. The squirrels carried her away!
MORPEHUS. Okay, so that’s one down. Davy?
DAVY. [still lying down, appearing dead with his headband]
ELFY. [nudges davy with his foot.] hey davy, it’s over.
DAVY. [standing up] oh, I’m here. Look! Those squirrels just passed right by me! [points to headband] they must not have the best eye for detail.
MORPEHUS. Small child?
SMALL CHILD. [creeping out from wagon] yes, morpheus, I am alright.
MORPHEUS. Pat?
PAT. Boo-yah! [waves cloven hooves] I DID lose a little chunk out of my ear though. Those spiteful squirrels!
MORPHEUS. Elfy, I see you are here as well….Rocko? anyone seen rocko?
ALL. [looking around]
PAT. Oh, yeah. I saw him back there a bit. I think they got him
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Its an outrage!

[all run over to rocko, who lies nearly dead on the ground, surrounded by nearly dead squirrels. He tries to lift his head to speak]

MORPHEUS. Lie back, warrior friend.
ROCKO. Morpheus, I have failed you.
MORPHEUS. That may be true, but don’t have such a negative outlook on things. It's bad for ratings.
ROCKO. [turns to Jovial Bob] bob, my fellow warrior friend. Will you feed my cat for me when you get back?
JOVIAL BOB. Certainly.
ROCKO. And pat?
PAT. In the house.
ROCKO. Forgive me for quarreling so fiercely with you. You are not so terrible, even for a hermaphodite farm animal.
PAT. You’re just saying that cause you’re about to die. I read this book, remember?
ROCKO. [crying out with anguish] Joel! I have failed thee! I succumbed to the temptations of the dark squirrels, and they have vanquished me. Fellowship! Carry on, continue with heart! You must find Joel! [rocko takes a last ragged breath and falls lifeless back to the ground]
DAVY. Oh the humanity!
PAT. Aw he wasn’t that cool anyways. Come on, let’s go. I’m still waiting for my ring.

CHAPTER THE EIGHTH, PART THE FIRST. The first battle; in which the fellowship faces tragedy and pat discovers his true calling.

[elfy is standing, his pointed ear pressed to the trunk of a great tree. Morpheus and senior franklin wait nervously]

ELFY. There is a great disturbance in the force. I hear thousands of voices, chittering rapidly, this is ominous.
MORPHEUS. Friends, this is the dark hour.
ELFY. Trouble!

[the ground shakes as though a large, angered gnome were overturning in his grave. Suddenly an army of valiant squirrels floods the forest floor, raining from the trees and scampering violently towards the fellowship.]

MORPHEUS. Draw your weapons!

[morpheus and senior franklin draw their swords, hortensia springs out her retractable claws, and elfy loads his bow with a sharp arrow. Rocko wields his beloved weapon Putrid. Davy dons his arrow-through-the-head headband and lays down upon the earth, his tongue lolled out and his eyes crossed. Small child overturns the wagon as a defense shield, and Jovial Bob assumes a karate stance, ninja stars in hand. Pat, unawares as to what to do, as he has never before fought in a great battle, stands on his hind legs and, with one cloven hoof upon his hip, outstretches the other in crosswalk-mother style. The squirrels advance.]

HORTENSIA. Rraaaaaaaaarrrrr! Ssssssssssssss!
JOVIAL BOB. dainga!
MORPHEUS. Hold your ground men!
HORTENSIA. And women!
MORPEHUS. Steady men! Steady! Wait for it! Now! [squirrels leap through the air]
JOVIAL BOB. Down wretched beasts!
ELFY. I shall slay you all!
ROCKO. No forest creature shall feel my blade and live! [the stench alone of his weapon wipes out a handful of squirrels] infidels!

[squirrels run towards pat, who parts the sea of forest animals with his outstretched hoof. (we find that squirrels, while vicious on the battlefield, are characteristically respectful of traffic laws) squirrels approach davy, but see that he has been slain and pass on, although they are not wielding arrows. (we also find that squirrels do not pay the best attention to detail) they turn their attention to hortensia, who is swiping at the beasts with her retractable claws. They surround her and take her captive]

HORTENSIA. Elfy! Save me!
ELFY. I shall rescue you!
PAT. This is cool! [runs through the sea of gray squirrels, parting them with his outstretched hoof]
MORPHEUS. Rocko! Watch your back, man!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Estoy muy furioso!
ROCKO. I am slain! [falls to the ground, with many wounds from the tiny squirrel claws]
PAT. [chuckles] just stick out your hand!
ROCKO. [lifts his arm weakly, but the squirrels pay him no heed] it’s not working!
PAT. Hmm. Guess I have the “magic hooves!”
JOVIAL BOB. Look! They are retreating! [squirrels are indeed retreating, taking hortensia as their captive]
SMALL CHILD. Can I come out now?
MORPHEUS. [gravely] this is a dark day.

…TO BE CONTINUED…
***author's note*** sorry this chapter is so spell-checked and punctuated and capitalized. i typed it on microsoft word so that blogger wouldn't delete it again, and word likes to be anal about typos and it autocorrected everything for me...

CHAPTER THE SEVENTH. changes; in which the fellowship executes some internal feng shui and romance seeps into the plot.

[the morning after senior franklin so courteously sheltered the fellowship, they pack up and prepare to sally forth. senior franklin has taken morpheus aside to speak with him on a matter of animated importance. small child is again working in his Ruling The World workbook, as he is already all packed into his red wagon. all morning elfy has been sneaking furtive glances towards hortensia, who has turned a considerable shade of red. narco has not yet woken.]

ROCKO. [rolling his sleeping bag; pauses, considers narco] he's still not awake. how much sleep does a man need?
DAVY. you know, i can't remember the last time i saw him awake.
SMALL CHILD. [calls from the wagon] two thursdays ago. actually, i have been doing a case study on him all this time. i don't think he has even had any lines since the third chapter.
ROCKO. interesting.
ELFY. love is a many splendored thing!
HORTENSIA. [giggles]

[cut to morpheus and senior franklin, in deep discussion]

MORPHEUS. yes, yes, i see what you are saying. i don't think he has even had any lines since chapter three.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. so you would consider it, mufasa?
MORPHEUS. you would make an excellent addition to our fellowship. plus i dont have anyone to play a good game of go-fish with.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. we do make a good team.
MORPHEUS. i shall have to discuss it with the fellowship.

[soon thereafter, the fellowship is assembled and morpheus addresses them, with senior franklin standing nearby]

MORPHEUS. i have called this tribal council meeting on a matter that concerns the entire company.
PAT. i really hate these bonding times
DAVY. i love them!
PAT. [waves a cloven hoof in warning]
DAVY. so a group hug is out of the question?
MORPHEUS. senior franklin and i have been talking this morning about making some changes, hence the title of the chapter.
ELFY. i thought this chapter was entitled, "All You Need Is Love."
HORTENSIA. [giggles]
JOVIAL BOB. morpheus, what is this pertinent issue?
MORPHEUS. i feel that senior franklin may have much to offer the fellowship
PAT. besides his lack of spanish skills?
SENIOR FRANKLIN. hey. no es frío, people! not cool!
ROCKO. do you suggest, morpheus, that senior franklin join our endeavor?
SMALL CHILD. preposterous!! the whole essence of the fellowship is that we are nine. dare we completely disregard the logistics of this company? and what of the literature and major motion pictures to come? everyone was prepared for nine, and nine only!
ALL. [send not-so-subtle glances at narco]
MORPHEUS. there IS the possibility that...
SMALL CHILD. hey count me in!
ROCKO. i second the motion!
JOVIAL BOB. me too
ELFY. I DO agree.
HORTENSIA. [giggles] I DO too!
DAVY. well, senior franklin does seem like a better investment
ROCKO. morpheus, why did you choose narco in the first place?
MORPHEUS. [with resign] well, he was one of Joel's former advisers... I thought maybe... oh never mind. are we all agreed?
ALL. yay.
MORPHEUS. so be it. Narco is voted off the island, and we shall take senior franklin as his replacement.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. Muchas, muchas gracias, amigos nuevos.
JOVIAL BOB. [motions to narco, still sleeping like a rock] should we...?
MORPHEUS. [hesitates, then shakes his head] everybody be really quiet. let's go, quick.

[the fellowship moves out stealthily, with narco still unawares that he has been abandonded and voted out of the fellowship. senior franklin takes his place in the fellowship, and his portable tv, still in the wagon and harnessed to Pat's back. Hortensia tries to mount pat so that she will not have to trek on foot, but pat bucks like a wild horse and hortensia falls to the ground]

ELFY. [upon Ice Melted, who trots up to hortensia and stops] can i give you a lift, fair lady?
HORTENSIA. [giggles] why, how courtly of you, good sir. such a gentleman is scarce encountered in lands as these. i take your offer with gratitude.
ELFY. [lifts the fair maiden with grace upon his stead] you are so fair, milady!
HORTENSIA. [chuckles like a gnome in heat] heheheoheooheoeoeoeho
ELFY. and your retractable claws shine like the morning dew in sunlight
HORTENSIA. elfy, your bread-making-pack is so wonderous, and your telepathy stirs feelings in me i have never before felt!
ELFY. your hair is as golden as a piece of sap-covered tree bark!
HORTENSIA. and your strength surpasses a hundred wild squirrels.
ELFY. your eyes are deeper than a hole i once dug in the forest, to bury a dead squirrel.
HORTENSIA. oh, elfy! dear heart! i love you more than life itself!
ELFY. and i love you more than the squirrel loves a nut.
HORTENSIA. from whence came this outpouring of emotion? i never suspected that you and i would pledge our undying love to one another. up until chapter six i thought rocko was the one in love with me!
ELFY. then you did not take much care in reading the script. for rocko loves only your inward beauty, your grace, your intellect, and your compassion. i love your outward beauty, your fair face, your golden tresses, your physical appearance. and that, my love, is all that truly matters.
HORTENSIA. oh, elfy! we shall be happy together until the end of time!
ELFY. or at least until you get thunder thighs.

[hortensia leans her head against elfy's strong shoulder, and closes her eyes blissfully. the two are delicately silhouetted in the setting sun, and davy wipes a tear from his eye.]

DAVY. this is better than Sleepless In Seattle!

CHAPTER THE SIXTH. a wrong turn; in which the fellowship ends up in cleveland and meets a new friend.

[the fellowship has been travelling for days on end. frighteningly, morpheus' prediction that they would reach the treacherous mountain El Furioso within the night proved wrong about a week ago. Jovial Bob is skimming a map while Rocko and Elfy try to encourage their comrades]

ROCKO. come on, lads! pick up your feet! El Furioso's got to be just over those endless plains!
PAT. dont even try.
DAVY. is that it? waaaaay over there? [points]
ELFY. no, that's just a herd of sheep.
PAT. [brows furrow questioningly] baa?
JOVIAL BOB. i think we took a wrong turn.
HORTENSIA. what leads you to this conclusion?
JOVIAL BOB. well, by this map we should have passed El Furioso. we haven't. I think we're in.... Cleveland?
[Jovial Bob lowers the map and makes visible a large green sign bordered with reflective white dots. it reads thus: "WELCOME TO CLEVELAND]
ELFY. yes, that would be cleveland.
SMALL CHILD. you imbeciles! how can you leave such a task as navigation to such fools! let ME be your leader! i am the one fit to undertake the wisdoms and responsibilities of the navigator! give me the map!
MORPHEUS. the small child is right, Jovial Bob. perhaps we should let the rocket scientist lead the way for a while.
JOVIAL BOB. i trust your decisions, o morpheus. [hands small child the map]
SMALL CHILD. [peruses the map, checking calculations and course headings.] Bob! your mathematics are all wrong! you forgot ALL your conversions! you completely disregarded magnetic variation!
PAT. we're not using a compass
DAVY. would ya look at that! the map's upside down!
SMALL CHILD. chut up!

[the fellowship draws up a reciprocal course heading to bring them roughly back to where they started. from here small child, using visual landmarks to get a fix, plots the location, and measures a heading for them to follow. in no time they reach the foot of El Furioso, where stands a solemn and powerful spanish teacher.]

SENIOR FRANKLIN. HOLA VIAJEROS. hello, travellers. CREO QUE USTEDES SON CANSADOS. i think you are weary.
MORPHEUS. senior franklin?
SENIOR FRANKLIN. ME LLAMO SENIOR FRANKLIN. i am senior franklin. [suddenly a look of recognition flashes across his face] Mufasa!
MORPHEUS. mi amigo de los tiempos viejos!
ROCKO. mufasa?
JOVIAL BOB. [aside to rocko] morpheus has a great many names throughout the lands. he has lived through all the ages and knows how to work the system. he's what some may call a contact, a "friend in high places."
ROCKO. i see...
SENIOR FRANKLIN. mufasa! from the african american exchange program!
HORTENSIA. good senior! i have heard the tales praising your power and strength. it is truly an honor to be in the presence of such a noble character.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. [taking the fair hand of hortensia, bending to place a kiss upon it] yeowza! ever heard of a nail file?
HORTENSIA. sorry. they're retractable.
ELFY. may i offer you a warm slice of bread? freshly baked from the magic bread-making pack!
PAT. you never let ME have any bread.
ROCKO. you're a non-gender-specific sheep. you're supposed to eat grass.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. that is true. natural grasses are an important part of a sheep's daily diet, hermaphodite or no. i see your coat is looking a bit mangy. are you getting enough vitamin c?
PAT. alright you-
SMALL CHILD. i too have taken notice of his poor nutritional habits. the beast would do well to make a health schedule to ensure that it recieves its rightful proportions. sixteen servings of grass, and no more red meat!
MORPHEUS. [to jovial bob] who has been giving it red meat?
SENIOR FRANKLIN. tu eres una oveja muy malo! no tienes los hábitos nutritivos para una vida sana!
PAT. aww just talk american you poser!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. es muy importante hablar en otra idioma para que las ovejas tontas no pueden comprenderte.
PAT. i took spanish two in high school! speaking mexican doesn't make you all powerful!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. no hablo mexican. hablo español!
DAVY. you should be more respectful of people's cultures, pat.
PAT. [raises cloven hoof in a menacing gesture.] let me introduce you to MY culture, pal!
HORTENSIA. pat! behave yourself in the presence of the might senior franklin!
SENIOR FRANKLIN. mufasa, what brings you to travel to El Furioso?
MORPHEUS. we are the fellowship in search of joel the one eyed cat. he has disappeared from all knowledge, and a shadow is falling over bottom-earth.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. joel! yes i remember, he was a great and powerful leader.
SMALL CHILD. [pridefully] when joel is found I am to be his new adviser!
MORPHEUS. IF he is found, child.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. mufasa, yo no sé dónde está joel el gato con un solo ojo. but i will offer my services to aid your quest.
PAT. we dont' need a disgruntled, underpaid spanish teacher.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. [another look of recognition suddenly flashes across his face] i remember you pat! you were in my second semester spanish class! YOU were the one flinging taco meat at the renaissance faire jugglers!
PAT. it wasn't me! i have cloven hooves!
MORPHEUS. right now all i ask is a place to stay for the night. the fellowship has travelled long.
SMALL CHILD. only because Jovial "no, i know where we're going, i dont need to stop and ask for directions" Bob took us the wrong way for a whole week.
SENIOR FRANKLIN. i have a cave where you are welcom to pass the evening. SIGAME, A LA CUEVA DE MARAVILLAS! follow me to the cave of wonders!

[the fellowship follows senior franklin to the cave of wonders, where they set up camp and pass the night. rocko leads a folk music sing along around the fire while narco naps. morpheus and senior franklin catch up on old times, and davy turns in early after writing a letter to his mother. pat is forced to sleep outside, given that senior franklin enforces a "no pets allowed" rule.]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: TO ALL THE READERS - so sorry i have been so absent in the upkeep of this manuscript. understandably i have been very busy with things of the real world, like sunscreen, and the matrix, and insomnia. with luck, (and support from the fans HINT HINT) ill get more stuff up soon.
please send comments (questions, random thoughts, love letters, etc) to badluckmermaid@yahoo.com (as if you didn't know) and coincidentally, (huh!) that's the title of my OTHER blog, the one i actually sorta live in. so yeah.